Stolie's Big Hot Balls Rankings™

Few things in life have the power to cheer me up like chocolate, Margaritas, hot men, great friends and World Cup Soccer do. Luckily, I’ll have all of them this weekend. This is great news because I need the pick-me-up. I’d love to talk about each of these topics at length but, for today, let’s just stick to soccer ... and men ... shall we? Specifically, let’s talk about the England-Portugal game. To guide you through it, I’ll give you my take on who’s hot and who’s not, otherwise known as “Stolie’s Big Hot Balls Rankings”™. And, by the way, contrary to popular belief, I don’t give out Big Hot Balls™ based on looks. Personality counts as well ... just not as much as looks do: Name: Rio Ferdinand Date of birth: November 7, 1978 Age: 28 Team #: 5 Height: 6'2" / 1.88 Weight: 168 lbs. / 76 kg Big Hot Balls: Why 3?: I love his cornrows. Known for: refusing to take the sport’s random drug tests and incorrectly pronouncing the sound “th” life “f”—thereby turning the phrase “no thanks” to “no fanks”. (Those Londoners, I tell ya.) Name: David Beckham Date of birth: May 2, 1975 Age: 31 Team #: 7 Height: 5'10" / 1.82 Weight: 163 lbs. / 74 kg Big Hot Balls: Why 4?: Beckham is the hottest guy on England’s team. Known for: being a brilliant player, vomiting of the field, dressing up like a woman, marrying a skeleton, and putting massive amounts of product in his hair. Oh, yeah, and he also has a freakishly high-pitched voice. Name: Sven Goran Eriksson Date of birth: unknown Age: unknown Team #: coach Height: unknown Weight: unknown Big Hot Balls: Why 2?: I was only going to give him one Big Hot Ball™ based on his looks, but I kicked another ball his way because of his personality. Known for: his inability to show emotion ... I love this guy. He shows ABSOLUTELY no emotion whatsoever. Never. He simply can’t do it. He’s funny. Name: Wayne Rooney Date of birth: October 24, 1985 Age: 20 Team #: 9 Height: 5'8" / 178 cm Weight: 172 lbs. / 78 kg Big Hot Balls: Why 1?: I wasn't going to give Rooney any balls because I don't think he's attractive. But, I decided to give him one because (a) he's a really good player and (b) I was afraid he'd track me down and kill me if I didn't. Known for: being built like a Rugby player, shouting obscenities, turning red in the face, and generally behaving like a crazed lunatic on the field. What else? He has a high-maintenance “footballer’s wife”, he admits that he frequently visits prostitutes, and he has a bit of a gambling addiction. Name: Peter Crouch Date of birth: January 30, 1981 Age: 25 Team #: 21 Height: 6'6" / 198 cm Weight: 152 lbs. / 69 kg Big Hot Balls: Why 3?: I love the robot. Known for: being as tall as a skyscraper and for doing the robot when he scores. Name: Luís Figo Date of birth: November 4, 1972 Age: 33 Team #: Height: 5'11" / 180 cm Weight: 165 lbs. / 75 kg Big Hot Balls: Why 4?: Figo is the hottest guy on Portugal’s team. Known for: being an old man. He has been around forever; he actually came out of retirement to play this year’s games. At nearly 34, he’s one of the oldest players currently in the World Cup. Okay, okay, I’ve talked about the boys a lot, but I haven’t told you who I think will win. Truth is, I don’t know who’s going to win, but here’s how I predict the game will unfold ... Beckham will vomit in Figo’s face. Figo and the rest of the thuggish Portuguese team will pummel Beckham in the middle of the field. Beckham, already affected by heat exhaustion, will die. Sven, in a rare display of emotion, will actually cry at the loss of his beloved. Ferdinand and Crouch will yell at the Portuguese. Rooney, on the other hand, will go totally apeshit at the thought of losing his first World Cup and he’ll kill each and every member of the Portuguese team with his bare hands ... So, yeah, that’s what I predict. Remember to tune in on Saturday to see if I’m right.